I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it's great music for shaving your balls
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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