well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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