I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
