at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
