I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
