Swine flu. Run for my life!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
