that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
