I can text with my tongue
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
