quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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