Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
