I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
