OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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