ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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