Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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