Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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