GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
