dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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