I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
