Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize