Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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