Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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