i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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