she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
