I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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