i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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