i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
