I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
