Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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