I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
