my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
