cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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