Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
