You're my little dorito
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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