listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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