I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
