we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I AM VODKA MAN
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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