I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
