My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I smell like Dick and happiness
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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