she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
