She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
