and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
