You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
