When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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