I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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