today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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