in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
This is my gift to your gina
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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