don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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