i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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