Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
