How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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