I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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