the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
