She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
