Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
