i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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