i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
