i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
