i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
