I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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